...

This is a thing I wrote a few months ago. I have saved it up until now, as I thought it was too personal. Today, though, this has been on my mind and I just got the sign I needed that it was time to write it out.

__________________________________

Here we go:

It's times like now, when sitting alone in my car pondering, that real epiphanies happen. Sometimes those epiphanies are direct, others indescribable. Todays epiphany is the latter; unable to pinpoint the exact discovery, but more able to come to terms with whats inside my head.

As one may have noticed, I recently broke up with my partner of nearly one year. My heart is in pieces, but I know that it is for the best. I feel as though if I put my thoughts on paper, I might be able to make sense of it all and thus be more able to move on.

So, what happened?

Basically, the story goes a little something like this. As I was discovering and embracing my blatant lesbianism, I met K. We flirted for ages, had mindblowing sex and quickly became a couple. After a few months, K backs off a little. I was worried that she was bored with me, so obviously I tried to find out what the problem was. After much persuading, she admits to me that she thinks she is transgendered, via text message. She left it at that and didn't speak of it again until months later. I had no idea she was being serious. She never changed or brought it up again.

I don't need to go into the process of the transition, but I do need to document the breakdown of the relationship. It's what I do. Hopefully, by doing this, my brain will see that it wasn't meant to be, and thus will stop my heart from trying to explode out my mouth whenever I see her, him, anywhere.

The relationship started to fail when K accused me of not being supportive. I had no idea of what I was supposed to do, or how I was supposed to feel. The whole concept of being a lesbian was still new to me (well...not the concept, but the experience).

After speaking to some distant friends (nobody who knew K personally) who had experienced transitioning and dating a trans person, I managed to gain a grasp of my feelings. It took a while to begin with, K would ask how I felt, and to be honest, I couldn't answer. My mind just turned to what can only be described as white noise. As I said, lesbianism was new to me, the idea of trans relationships had never even crossed my mind.

When I did figure my mind out, it was hard. K was so secretive about everything. Almost like she was cheating on me, in a way. On more than one occasion I considered maybe there was someone else. I guess her heart may have been with me, but her head was all about becoming A...or vice verca. My feelings were a mess, but I knew that I was completely in love with K and I would do what I had to to make us work.

Once, I borrowed K's computer, with her permission. I went to log into facebook, and there was an account already logged in. K's picture, with a different name, a male name. She didn't tell me straight up, it took a while, but eventually she mentioned she'd chosen a name, and would like me to refer to her as A, and use male pronouns. I was okay with that, I slipped sometimes as expected, but as you can imagine, it was hard, especially considering he was still 'closeted' so to everyone other than the two of us, he was still she, K. It made the habit of saying 'A' hard to get into.

After the name decision, things changed. My friend assured me I was allowed to struggle. To him, I am the same, to me, he was changing. I know I loved him, but his whole personality changed. Everything, the way he acted toward me changed, he became attracted to men. He was moodier. Our sex, once incredible, became awkward and forced. It became more 'I do you now you do me now we're done'. Oh, not to mention the fact that I had to dirty talk to the best of my ability. You try getting turned on while licking a clit but saying it's a cock.

On more than one occasion he told me not to interfere, it was 'his thing'. (Committed relationship, not an 'us' thing? No? OK). He told me he didn't want my 'second hand trans friends'. When I eyed an ftm guy at a pub, he begged me to go and get his details. I was not allowed to speak to pub-guy again after that. He complained he knew no other ftms, but when I offered my internet to find people, or speak with my friend who was friends with heaps of ftms. He flatly refused. I urged him to go trans events that I had stumbled upon, to start a tumblr (trans central). He told me to back off and to stop controlling him.

He yelled at me for not being more supportive, but attacked me if I tried to contribute. He wouldn't talk to me, and when he did, he said I was belittling him. He'd ask for advice, then tell me not to interfere. I didn't know what to do. I gave him a disturbingly real-lookng vibrator I hated so he could cut it up and use it to pee out of. I dealt with the cock-talk in bed. Is that not supportive?

To make things worse, his new/old friend a trans girl was in his hear, trying to break us up. A would disappear off the planet for days at a time, while I tried to find him, this friend would abuse me. While they were hanging out. A said nothing. His friend was telling A I was bad for him, regularly asking him for sex or nudity (oh, of course it was just a joke....right) and generally trying to ruin our relationship.

In the past, we had had a fight because K had a crush on another girl, and told her housemate who said I 'needed to be dealt with first'. As A became more comfortable with his masculinity, his 'thing' for men grew. I was terrified he was going to leave me for a guy. He does turn into a flirty whore when he drinks.

The biggest issue, I think, the one that I couldn't get past, is the fact that I had fallen for K. K is the one who I'd had my relationship with. K is the one who took my heart, we were happily in a lesbian relationship. Yes, A is still technically K, but in reality, they are different. I was losing K. All the little things I took for granted, ogling her amazing boobs, holding her hips, her perfect legs in tiny shorts, photographing her naked, eyeliner on her eyes not her jaw, brushing her hair, teasing her for being girlie. All those things were gone. If I did any of those as A, I could expect to be abused for a few hours...or silent treatment.

___________

It has been a couple of weeks since I wrote this last. I didn't realise how much I needed to get this out. I feel the need to point out the fact that I am by no means judging A or K. I don't want people to get the wrong impression. I am just lost, I lost my girlfriend. I gained a person who, even though technically the same person, is completely different to the person I fell for. I think if I was to meet A now, I would probably fall for him. But I was in love with K, and A came along after I'd established that adoration for K.

Recently I have been pondering our relationship. The classic 'Did we do the right thing?' and 'Have I just thrown away the best thing in my life?'. I hurt so much that I feel physically ill. I love A hard. I just love K more. I can't deal with A's secrecy and moodiness when K was so sweet and fun. I know we weren't happy, I think we had both just become so comfortable with eachother that we couldn't admit that. No couple should be arguing on a daily basis. We had become a running joke to our friends, never going out, and when we did, we fought. What makes the decision to end it so hard (apart from the fact that I hate change) is that nothing felt better than making up after a fight and snuggling to 6am in bed.

I think, to summarise, I really needed to get this out, for my sanity, but also to give my side of the story. A wrote and has said some hurtful things since we broke up, and I cannot have that out there without my view expressed too.

_________________________________

*update*
The other night I was at a trans event with some new friends. I was terrified of bumping into A, I even thought I did at one point. A girl there was spitting image of A/K. Same clothes, same look, same walk, same attitude. Bizarre. Anyway, I was outside heating myself on the heater making more new friends. I got talking to a girl who name I forget. It turns out that she is in a relationship with a trans guy. I explained my situation to her, and she was so kind. I told her how guilty I felt for the relationship ending, I told her about how A said I was unsupportive, I told her everything I had done throughout the relationship. She told me her story. Two completely different outcomes. Her boyfriend has been on T for 12 months. We talked for ages, then, when she saw that I was so lost and confused (and somewhat upset, what can I say, I don't get my heart back together too easily) she introduced me to her boyfriend, C. C was simply amazing. We talked about him, about A and I somewhat rambled on to him about what had happened. He reassured me that what I had been doing was good. My urging A to go to to trans events, my researching. He basically confirmed what I had felt the entire time; A's transition was not only about A and it was selfish of him to shut me out. We were in a relationship, it affects me just as much as him, thus I should be looking at things online and finding out as much as I can. A wanted it to be his transition. In reality, it needed to be our transition.

Talking to C meant so much to me. I left with a weight lifted off my shoulders. I regret not taking their details, because C and his girlfriend were two beautiful people.

I just got a text message off A saying I disrespected him. I feel as though he disrespected me by not trusting me enough to allow me to go through this with him.



Until next time.

ScarXo