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Thursday, August 26, 2010


Word of the day: Autophoby - the fear of referring to yourself, usually manifested by the reluctance to use the pronouncs I or me.

Do you ever have the fear that maybe you're losing control of your life, that what once was simply stagnant, has become a downward spiral?
I don't know what to feel these days, so often I am just autotuned to 'empty'. I find myself on the verge of tears daily, usually for petty things like a decision of what to have for dinner.
I feel to pathetic, so immature, (just read my last blog), but at the same time I know my emptiness and my paranoia are just symptoms of my circumstances.
My life in recent times has been nothing special. I have gone about my days working, sleeping, sitting at the computer or snuggling my girlfriend. Boring, stagnant but somehow content with routine. In the past few weeks I feel as though my life has just slammed into a brick wall and my insides are currently oozing down the flithy suburban drain.
I have lost my job.
I am having feelings of total mediocrity towards my skating for derby.
I have come into more trouble than I care to talk about.
My gut and arse are expanding faster than the speed of light.
I have quit uni.
My social life is non-existant.
My relationship feels strained because of my self-pity.

What do I have to smile about these days? I have nothing to get out of bed for. Really, I do nothing with my life right now. I'm mediocre at the only thing I DO get out of bed for (skating). I feel sorry for my girlfriend. I want to give her my love and affection, instead I give her cranky, moody, snappy, angry, sad.
I have slipped back into my old paranoia about stupid things. I cannot stop thinking. Obscure scenarios in my head that the more I ponder on, the more realistic they become. I have an obscenely short temper, I am jealous and resentful. I cannot fathom that somebody could love me, want to spend time with me. I am plagued with insecurity, with certainty that everybody hates me. Look at my facebook photo tags. In the past few months they have stopped. Not even tags within derby bouts anymore. I feel as though im paling into insignificance. I know I don't make a huge effort to go out and socialise either, but when I do, I get so paranoid about my lack of social skills that I freak out and have no fun. It makes me want to scream.

I am seriously considering up-and-leaving to start somewhere afresh.
New job. New house. New surrounds.
Where to, though?

Until I need to rant about the same thing again...


PS. The photo of my kitty 'bob' is just there to make me smile. Isn't she peeeeeerty!?

Monday, August 23, 2010


It's times like these when I really feel my age.
I feel like a baby, at not quite 22. Few of my friends and aquaintances are below 25, and those young ones seem to have a far greater grasp of reality than myself.

I have all these thoughts in my head which I struggle to verbalise, as many of them make me feel so pathetic, immature. There are bigger things to worry about. Bigger fish to fry. (nb. my 'g' key is bung, so if I drop a 'g' in a word, it's not my fault!)

One of my main issues in my head at the moment is my friendships. I have managed to get myself into the same rut as I always get into. I push away my friends, and then feel cranky with them for not sticking around. Thinking about it, I really have no 'person'. You know, most people have a 'person'. Best friend/comrade/'person'. Whatever you call them, most people have at least one person they can rely on to provide a shoulder, to chill out while looking like death, to humour the idiotic ramblings that come out, providing the logical advice ONLY after agreeing that the universe is a jackarse and everybody else is wrong, pretending the ramblings are totally coherent...

I have had people in recent times who I thought were those people. I get all internally excited that finally, this amazing person has been delivered to my life, I can finally chill out, baking cupcakes in my trackies at their house, playing with their pets, talking drivel until the sun comes up.
Unfortunately, story of my life, I am never anybodys 'person'. There is always someone cooler, funnier, nicer, more stable/less stable... than me. I never get to be the one that someone turns to for chats, for dinners, for playtimes and activities. I miss out on invites. I miss out on silly conversations. Maybe I'm too needy, being an onlly child, maybe I just need all attention focused on me. Maybe I am really pushing people away, not talking to them, then being cranky assumin they hate me. I know I'm completely illogical in my head, but that does not make it any easier to deal.

All throughout primary school I was never 'flavour of the month' to any of my friends. I always seemed the tag along. The annoying kid who always seemed to be there. In highschool, the girls I hung around with were bitches, pushed me out in a most humiliating way. My best friend in the younger years, was an attention seeking girl who ditched me as soon as someone cooler came along. In the older years, it repeated itself. In uni, I didn't really need my own friends, I just mooched off my exes ones. Most of my friends I doubted actually liked me anyway.

Now, four years out of highschool, and I am still struggling with the same paranoia as I was in primary school.

I lost my favourite person to her girlfriend, who was cruel in her 'theft' of my friend. Heartless, mocking my loss. Now, blaming me for the lack of contact, when I have made as much effort as her.
Again, I know I'm being immature and pathetic, but that knowledge makes it no easier.

On Saturday night I had a birthday celebration with two other girls. One of them I adore, in a purely...role model...type of way. We hit it off easily, we are scarily similar in behaviour. I spent time on her loungeroom floor, talkin hours away. She gave me foodstuff to take home. It was exactly what I've been dreaming of. Unfortunately for me, everyone else thinks she is amazing also, and I feel as though I am in school again, losing my 'person' to the cooler kids. At the celebration, we barely even spoke. I went to make conversation with the two other birthday girls, and they stop talking altogether, in a very awkward moment kind of way.

I find myself resenting someone I shouldn't. She is lovely to me, mostly. Notorious arse-kisser, she is now bosom buddies with everyone I wish I could be close to. My first derby crush, they're organising get-togethers. The girl who I somehow find myself drawn to, I think as a gay role model or something, dinner dates. The birthday girl I mentioned before, dinners, playdates, gifts. She does all these things, knowing I have nothing to do, with no invite. I am not part of the clique. I wonder, is there ANYBODY out there who doesn't adore this arse-kisser? I ask her one favour, ONE, and she cannot pull through. What does that say about me? Am I not ood enough to be in the clique?

My ranting is becoming less and less coherent. Time to sign off before I write something that will bite me on the arse.

Basically, I want friends, people I can rely on, people who aren't borrowed from my girlfriend. People who value me, and can handle my little bit of crazy every now and then. People who wont ditch me as soon as someone cooler comes along. Is that too much to ask?