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Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Who stole my motivation?
I go to bed each night full of thoughts. Full of words to click onto a keyboard or to ink onto paper. When I wake up, I tell myself, sit, write, you'll feel better. When I open the laptop or pull out my notebook, the words run away. They're scared to become more than thoughts. Maybe I'm scared to write them. Maybe if I write them, they'll become real? Not even dramatic things, I just cannot motivate myself to write more than this; a pathetic excuse for not writing.
I cannot motivate myself to do anything but nap. Or binge. Or read. Or chill out with my luscious new blanket. Theres always a new excuse. I'm sick of making excuses.

Todays excuse is dedicated to Becky Bloodnut. May you rest in peace dear rangabraids.


Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Last Sunday a girl I have never met was in a serious accident. Just recently, she lost her battle.
As I said, I never met this woman, I had only seen photos, heard stories, had a slight back-and-forth over a forum for an upcoming tournament. Just days earlier, I had read about her in inked magazine.
Why then, with such minimal contact, do I feel so saddened by this loss? I know there is a bond in the derby community. Moreso within queer derby. But surely that does not explain why I feel the loss of this skater, whom I was so looking forward to teaming up with, so deeply.
Is it because she is a skater? Is it because I can see the heartbreak that my peers are feeling?
Whatever the reason, I truly do offer my heart, my thoughts and whatever else possible to everyone who is affected by this tragedy.
Look after yourselves everyone.

RIP. TwoTon Teyla


Saturday, May 8, 2010


"Follow you dreams"
"You can do anything you want, if only you put your mind to it"

How many times have you heard these two statements? Parents, teachers, counsellors, friends, family...they all offer this same advice during times of doubt, times of insecurity.
In theory, this is sound advice. Sure, if you're passionate about something and work hard at it, you may well get somewhere, if you're lucky.

Passion is they key. If you're not passionate about your job, you won't want to put in the effort to get anywhere. People who say they love their job, those who actually enjoy going to work are invariably passionate about some aspect of their work. This is not to say they don't have bad days, everyone does, but these people are just able to get past the bad days more easily, they have something to smile about eventually.

Now. Having established this, I need to get to the point of this rambling.
What if you don't know what your dreams are?

I feel surrounded by people who know what they want in life and have either succesfully achieved that goal and are doing what they love, or are actively working towards that point through study, training, career stepping stones and so on. At the very least, they know, or have an idea of what they want, where they want to be. Whatever their motivation, be it love of helping people, more money, power, love of art, love of kids, flexible hours...whatever, they know what they want, and are okay with being a shit-kicker for a while to get to where they want to be, to achieve their dreams.

I am currently working 12 hours a week in a place were I get treated like a second class citizen, by both customers and management. The thought of going to work each day makes me die a little on the inside.
I am enrolled in a psychology course at uni. Third year. Semester one is almost over, and I am yet to attend a class.
I am planning to defer my course, or try to again. I have opened the websites for the classes, only to stare blankly, close the screen and curl up on the couch, a ball of misery.
I just have no motivation to study.
I don't know what I want to do. I had intended to spend last year off uni, to earn some money, get some savings. Instead, I broke up with my boyfriend and had to start paying full rent...and I had my hours cut at work. Thus, no savings.
Now, my hours have been cut again.
I wasted last year, and I am wasting this year.
I have absolutley NO idea of what I want to do in life. I thought I used to. I wanted to be a forensic psychologist. I wanted to watch people. Study people. Learn about psychopaths, about criminal minds, about anything to do with people.
Now, I am still fascinated by people, by the mind. I just don't have the motivation to study it.
Nothing appeals to me. I don't know what I see myself doing in 15 years time. When I think of my future, I just get a blank spot. Anything I do think would be fun or interesting has some epic fault. It scares me that I will be trapped into working in retail until I'm 70 years old before I retire and become homeless. I know I am smarter than that, better than that. I just don't know what to do.

How did these people I spoke of earlier get to realise their dreams?
I hate wasting my life like this. I don't even have the money to have fun while I wander along aimlessly.

I guess until I figure it out, I'll spend my days in bed snuggling up to my woman, hoping for some kind of epiphany.

Until next time.


Friday, May 7, 2010


Now that I have my boring first post out of the way, time to get down to business.
First, a shameless plug.

The team I created for the 'Great Southern Slam' in June. A fantasy I'd had which was given the opportunity to become a reality...thanks to challenge bouts.

My word of the day...
abibliophobia; noun; the fear of running out of things to read.

Actually, a second word of the day...I just stumbled upon this gem:

bibliophobe; noun; a person who hates, fears, or distrusts books.

Oh, I had planned to write this insightful piece about life. But, alas, it is 4.31am. I should head off to the land of nod so as to not confuse customers with my mind blanks tomorrow.
Maybe I'll write it at work and scan the paper to post up here instead...

Night all.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010


To begin this fantastical journey into bloggerdom, I shall give you the basic details of myself.
I answer to Scarlett. That's with two 't's, no 'e'. The single 't' (Scarlet), to me looks unfinished. The added 'e' (Scarlette), too messy. Two 't's looks complete but not overdone.
I am 21 years old. 22 in August. I have wasted the past few years, and I will surely waste the next few also.
I compete in roller derby. Due to the policies of the league, I am unable to divulge information other than the general basics of roller derby. That suits me fine...I can give my opinions on the sport in general, but nothing I say will be directly reflecting the league.
I have a girlfriend. She is dishy. She is...well...go look up 'sexy' or 'adorable' in your handy thesaurus*. She makes me grin like a dork.
I work in a bookstore. You have no idea how stupid society is until you work in retail.
I collect things. I collect rubber duckies, TV on DVD, childrens books and roller derby paraphernalia.
I...think that will do for now. The rest I guess will be disclosed over time.

Oh. One last thought. I lose motivation quickly, so don't be at all surprised if this goes for weeks with no updates.

Until next time.


*Thats thee-sore-us, not thee-A-sore-us...it's not a dinosaur!