Saturday, January 8, 2011
Don't you know that you're toxic?
I have just experienced a falling out with a person who, for a long while, I considered to be my best friend. I have mentioned her before. She is the one who broke my heart by leaving me for another woman. Not that we were ever together as such...but you get the point. We have never really got past that. We tried, but things have never been the same since she disappeared into her new relationship.
Just recently her partner broke her heart. I shall not delve into detail as it is not my place, and frankly, I don't give a shit about the situation. My sole involvement was to be an ear for my heartbroken friend (Let's call her A). The point of me bringing this up is to give a slight introduction to this mornings rant.
The girl who broke her heart (we'll call her B) is the one who A left me for. The same one who was snide, rude, smug and sometimes vicious towards me when I was nursing my heart. Most people who know B, think she is the bees knees. They adore her. This is because she is a fabulous actor and grade-A kissarse. I have experienced the cruelty and dishonesty lurking beneath, I have witnessed the power-tripping callousnes and am starting to understand when other 'in-the-know' people speak of her being a compulsive liar.
B has been lying to A about her actions and other peoples actions. She has left her relationship shattered and, I guess her vengefulness is coming out here, it seems as though she doesn't like the idea of me and A being close while A is vulnerable (never mind my being in a relationship). Thinking about it, maybe B is the reason why A and myself were never the same... So, to cover her own trail of lies, B told A that basically I had been sticking my nose in their business and concocting stories to a third party. In reality, I was an innocent bystander who still barely knows the full story.
A now doesn't trust me, cannot believe B is that shit of a person (rose coloured glasses anyone?) and, due to her notorious craziness, won't listen to reason. This upsets me immensly. First, I fucking HATE people telling lies about me. If I fuck up, and I get pulled up on it, yes, it stinks, but it's called for. If people lie about me to cater to their own agenda, and make me look bad. I see red. I become a savage, scathing, cruel person. I think of nothing other than how to give this lying sonofabitch their comeuppance. Nothing infuriates me more than blatant dishonestly like that. The legal term for these lies is 'slander'. I'll leave it at that.
Anyway, this is not meant to be a blog about my anger with B (although there is plenty of it). No, it is to examine my relationship with A. As I said, I am upset that B had to interfere in my life in such a way, leaving A thinking so low of me. But, I have been pondering this for hours on end, as only a real crazy-person would, breaking down every aspect of everything, and maybe this is a good thing. It's a shame that we are on such strained terms, but in reality, looking at our relationship, A could be considered to be a toxic friend.
*cue dramatic narrative delay*
*cue fuzzy flashback to the way things were*
Once upon a time, when our friendship was in it's prime, so to speak, things were dandy. As all friends do, we had our quirks, our tiffs, but in general we got along famously. As I have said, A is notorious for her craziness. She is a nutter. Simple as that. Anybody who knows her would agree with me wholeheartedly. Which is possibly why I have been overlooking any toxicity in the relationship for so long.
Simple things, such as seducing me at night, then in the morning announcing her crush on B. Going from divulging everything to suddenly 'oh, I didn't think you would be interested'. Calling me to look after her after an incident with some sleeping pills, me driving for two hours, only to be made to feel like I am intruding. Things that are, I guess, understandable, like insensitivity to my feelings when beginning the relationship with B. A made me feel like a terrible person for not being able to show proper enthusiasm at their instant loving, for not being able to be the third wheel to their outings. Small words, that I doubt she even knows cut deeper than any knife. On a 45 degree day she says "I don't think your medication is what makes you sweaty, I think you'd just be a sweaty person". Out of the blue. It hurt, as she knows I am overly self-conscious about my sweat, and it is a proven side effect of my medication (and hey, she didn't know me before I was on it), so why she felt the need to mention it is beyond me.
Since her relationship with B began, A stopped being available for anything other than B. They merged almost instantly. When I tried to extend an invitation to spend time together, she was rarely interested. This is all understandable, it happens in new relationships. What is not understandable is the guilt being forced onto me for not putting in enough effort. I hurt when during a bout of illness, she shied away from a hug from me and told (yelled at) me to stop judging her when I suggested she should take a rest, but went and snuggled into someone else a second later.
Always playing the devils advocate, I have often said sometimes a person simply needs someone to nod and agree, for humours sake, just to feel better. A never gives me that satisfaction. She is always siding with the other person or coming up with ridiculous reasons for a situation, just so she can argue with me, when almost in tears, it is clear that a smile and nod is all I need. She has been mad at me for the most obscure things, yet I feel guilty for feeling the same thing over her actions. She once left me hanging in another suburb, waiting for her to arrive for 3 hours, until B finally informed me that she was ill. No message. No phonecall. Nothing. Yet I am made to feel guilty for...shit, I don't even know.
I would like to go into detail about the other night, it is a perfect example, making me feel guilty for simple human emotions. Mocking me about our short-lived fling in one breath, then explaining that she can't stay at my house for comfort as she 'might not have the strength to keep my hands off your parts'. Confusing? Mind boggling? Judging me and guilting me and being rude. As someone also pointed out to me, she really only comes to me when B is unavailable anyway...thus me being her fallback, but as soon as B is there, I'm gone, again.
Basically, as these are only some examples, and even though I know these are only parts of the story, she is actually a good person for the most part, I am starting to realise that being so close to her hurts me. Alot.
I don't want to have to do this, but I think I am going to leave her not talking to me. I am currently not seeing the point in fighting for something when I am sure to be ditched as soon as someone better comes along anyway. It's not good for me and my state of mind to be letting little things hurt me so frequently.
I hate that the above portrays her in a bad light, but as I have said, I don't think she even realises she is doing it. She is just a little crazy, and possibly just doesn't know how to deal with me or our past or something. I do love her, I just think it might be healthier for me to leave the relationship as it is, and keep it business-like in future situations.