spectacular.

I bouted the other day. It made me seriously question my love.

I have been feeling insecure within my league for a while now, I simply feel like I don't fit in. Interstate, both times, I felt like the gooseberry. At home, I feel like the gooseberry. I put in so much effort, for so little credit. I nearly wet myself when one ref, after a recent bout, commented on my performance. I honestly could barely speak I was so chuffed.

Everybody else seems to click, seems to do the whole 'get along' thing so easily. There is so much cattiness, so much cliquiness...I feel like I'm in highschool sometimes.

The reason I question my love after the most recent bout, is because it really did show the cliquiness and blatant rudeness of some people.

The two teams were obviously divided into 'the cool kids' and 'the not-so-cool-kids'. The girls from highschool who bullied, and the musos or arty geeks who got picked on. (For the record, if anybody reads this, don't get narky with me, everybody noticed)

Before the bout, our team (the losers) was told to 'take it easy' due to the inexperience of the new girls. What? If they are not able to take it, why are they playing? We never got 'take it easies'. It has happened before though, so not at all surprising. Anyway, it seems the cool kids team forgot to give the memo to their own. So, first time around, SLAM! We all had the shit knocked out of us. Nice. So much for taking it easy.

It was something like eighty degrees inside the venue, so after five minutes I was already sweating like an animal. Everyones numbers were sweating off, I had sweat pooling inder my boobs from my crop top, breathing was like trying to get oxygen from a balloon. Horrendous. During one jam, I actually stopped functioning, I just went around in circles for a lap or two until the whistle blew, then proceeded to collapse behind the bench and drizzle water over my face. The heat was just exhausting.

Anyway, my point was, even though it was fucking incredible to have the losers beat the cool kids...and to lay a few decent slams onto some worthy opponents, and even though the new girls were fantastic, the atmosphere of the day, and the past few events, have left me feeling less than spectacular. I'll never be in the clique, I don't want to be everybodies best friend, I just want to...I don't know...be something to someone.

Maybe a transfer to elsewhere when I move house? Maybe just a summer break? Who knows. Hopefully the answer reveals itself soon.