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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

i forget which number I'm up to...

I have been so obscenely lazy of late. I believe it is the depression. Every time I open my blog to write a new post, I end up playing scrabble or bejewelled on facebook. My life at the moment involves sleeping in until late, getting up, sitting on the couch with the laptop, possibly training, depending on the day, but generally going back to bed to watch DVD's until 5am. Throw in a few showers and meals and whatnot, and that's me. Exciting as fuck. Oh, I also do all the Take 5 and That's Life puzzles too. Just to mix it up a little.

I know I should see someone about this, but fuck, shrinks are so expensive, and to get a referral you have to see a doctor six times or so. Cannot afford that either. Shit, I can barely afford to eat!

Depression is a cunt. I am a self-sabotager at the best of times. Add this black cloud and everything is so much worse. The anxiety and paranoia is worse, I'm not talking psychotic paranoia, I don't think 'they're out to get me' or anything. I just always think people are judging me and hating me and wanting me to piss off. I get jealous of people who have the things don't even want...(I always want what I can't have). I have no interest in doing anything. I become so obscenely sensitive to everything, just the slightest thing will set me off into a spiral of paranoia and overthinking.

Taking time off from skating after our trip was good and bad. Somehow I managed to strain my hip flexor, leaving me in immense pain just thinking about moving, luckily the osteo seems to have healed it up a bit, but my fitness has plummeted. I have put on about 10 kilos since January. I look at photos that don't seem that long ago, and I had a semi-flat stomach, slimmish legs. Now I have a preggers gut and thunderthighs. Fitness drills just make me dizzy and horrible. The vicious cycle; feeling shit so not putting in 100%, getting shitter for not putting in, feeling shit for getting shitter so not putting in 100%... it's hell. I see these freshies getting better and I still struggle with the reverse toe stops. So disheartening.

Not helping is the cliques in the league, the struggles with the woman, the lack of money and experience. I am really tempted to just pack up and leave to London or America or somewhere to start again.

On a happier note, this weekend is a big bout. Very exciting. I am a little nervous about one aspect of our team, but hopefully my qualms are completely unnecessary.

I hope things pick up with my woman. I do. I love her, but things need to perk up, they really do.
I hope my love of derby rekindles. I want to boot the 'meh's outta here.
I hope I get a job soon.
I hope I can pull myself out of this rut.


  1. I know how u feel.
    Lately I've been going through the why bother thing a bit. Mainly because no matter what I do, it always seems to end with me having an anxiety attack or walking away teary after being berated by someone else that judges my life based on what they think it should be.
    I'm told it gets better though.

  2. Now you have to double check.
    Please don't think i don't think about you.
    When you weren't skating around Leisure time i got to thinking a dark cloud was upon us. I didn't know what the future held and even now i sit here procrastinating, as per usual while my puppy dog sleeps and i somehow force a smile.

    We go through these set backs; so hopefully we get that second wind and bam, it's ours for the taking.

    These days don't happen to normies/muggles/the common pho. They are given to us because we need to realize something; anything.

    We need to see what WE OURSELVES truley do see... but are too blind to acknowledge.

    Everything is going to be okay, maybe not sparkley, maybe not -20+kg. But we are going to be okay. Oh my goodness maybe even a tad bit happy.

    Whatever the means, you were there for me, and i repay that favour ten hundred times.
    You're amazing, woman. Don't let the better nor worse tell you otherwise. You know why? Because you survived. You won.

    Chin up, chiquelette.
    *passes umbrella*