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Monday, October 11, 2010


My newest MLIA. It happened on our way to Adelaide.


The other day I was pondering how all rainbow stickers for cars are so boring and generic. Lightning bolts, rectangles, triangles, hearts, peace symbols...boring.
I decided that I wanted a skate. So I created this. I'm trying to source cheap die-cut vinyl printing, but as die-cut looks pretty pricey, I'm thinking just a circle with a black background could work.

This week has been especially hard. I wish I had someone to talk to about this, about everything...someone who won't judge. Someone who will let me rant. Okay, I know I have those people, I guess I want someone who will make everything better. I need a superman or Wonder Woman or something. Again I have been reduced to tears over the slightest things. Again, I fought with my woman. Big-like. I think we were both questioning the relationship and whether it was meant to be this hard. Sigh. Love, big big love, but golly, two nutters in a relationship can get tough.

I've been working with a fantastic photographer lately, as her assistant. It's unpaid work, simply for experience and time for her to help me build up a modelling folio. I have a shoot with her this week. I cherish the opportunity to do this. It is such simple work, running down to get her smokes, holding the lights, putting together props...etc. It's not about the work. It's about the company. I'm getting out of my house, I'm playing with her kitties (all six of them), I'm meeting new people (or I will be, so far it's mostly been derby people...), I'm learning new things. This past week has been so good for my psyche.

Problem is, with every good thing in life, it seems like 2 bad things are around the corner. A friend cried today. Six words, innocently spoken, completely oblivious, made her cry a heaving sob, right from her toes. I cannot know how she feels with her situation, it is something that I simply do not/cannot relate to. On the other hand, I know how she feels in the way that such simple things can be so painful. Six words can make your whole facade crumble in an instant.

I know people are worried about me. I am worried about me. I'm so unstable, jealous, paranoid. I'm insatiable, disgruntled, frustrated. I'm lazy but needy. I simply cannot be bothered pushing on, with anything.

Why bother trying to find a job? I'm not talented enough for anything. I love photography, I can take photos, but I'm never going to be good like R. I love words, I can write, but I'll never be published like B. I am not creative enough for anything fun, I'm not motivated enough for anything useful. Why bother? I'm just going to end up in a dead end job in a place I hate, wanting to drive my car into a tree.
Why bother trying to get fitter, I'm never going to be hot like...well where do I begin? Why bother training hard, I'm never gonna skate like her. Why bother working for our relationship, she's just gonna get bored of me anyway. Why bother trying to pay the bills, there's just gonna be more anyway. Why bother putting in effort with friends, I'm always second best anyway, always the tag-along. Never part of the group. Always the gooseberry.

At least tonight I had a friend to be gooseberry with, a nice change.

1 comment:

  1. All of that last paragraph, that sounds like depression talking to me. You're a talented photographer and writer and if you want to pursue either of those things, you can! It just takes a bit of work and a lot of self confidence.

    Let's do coffees or lunches or something when you get back from Brisvegas. Good luck, not that you guys need it xo