Thursday, August 26, 2010
Word of the day: Autophoby - the fear of referring to yourself, usually manifested by the reluctance to use the pronouncs I or me.
Do you ever have the fear that maybe you're losing control of your life, that what once was simply stagnant, has become a downward spiral?
I don't know what to feel these days, so often I am just autotuned to 'empty'. I find myself on the verge of tears daily, usually for petty things like a decision of what to have for dinner.
I feel to pathetic, so immature, (just read my last blog), but at the same time I know my emptiness and my paranoia are just symptoms of my circumstances.
My life in recent times has been nothing special. I have gone about my days working, sleeping, sitting at the computer or snuggling my girlfriend. Boring, stagnant but somehow content with routine. In the past few weeks I feel as though my life has just slammed into a brick wall and my insides are currently oozing down the flithy suburban drain.
I have lost my job.
I am having feelings of total mediocrity towards my skating for derby.
I have come into more trouble than I care to talk about.
My gut and arse are expanding faster than the speed of light.
I have quit uni.
My social life is non-existant.
My relationship feels strained because of my self-pity.
What do I have to smile about these days? I have nothing to get out of bed for. Really, I do nothing with my life right now. I'm mediocre at the only thing I DO get out of bed for (skating). I feel sorry for my girlfriend. I want to give her my love and affection, instead I give her cranky, moody, snappy, angry, sad.
I have slipped back into my old paranoia about stupid things. I cannot stop thinking. Obscure scenarios in my head that the more I ponder on, the more realistic they become. I have an obscenely short temper, I am jealous and resentful. I cannot fathom that somebody could love me, want to spend time with me. I am plagued with insecurity, with certainty that everybody hates me. Look at my facebook photo tags. In the past few months they have stopped. Not even tags within derby bouts anymore. I feel as though im paling into insignificance. I know I don't make a huge effort to go out and socialise either, but when I do, I get so paranoid about my lack of social skills that I freak out and have no fun. It makes me want to scream.
I am seriously considering up-and-leaving to start somewhere afresh.
New job. New house. New surrounds.
Where to, though?
Until I need to rant about the same thing again...
PS. The photo of my kitty 'bob' is just there to make me smile. Isn't she peeeeeerty!?