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Saturday, May 8, 2010


"Follow you dreams"
"You can do anything you want, if only you put your mind to it"

How many times have you heard these two statements? Parents, teachers, counsellors, friends, family...they all offer this same advice during times of doubt, times of insecurity.
In theory, this is sound advice. Sure, if you're passionate about something and work hard at it, you may well get somewhere, if you're lucky.

Passion is they key. If you're not passionate about your job, you won't want to put in the effort to get anywhere. People who say they love their job, those who actually enjoy going to work are invariably passionate about some aspect of their work. This is not to say they don't have bad days, everyone does, but these people are just able to get past the bad days more easily, they have something to smile about eventually.

Now. Having established this, I need to get to the point of this rambling.
What if you don't know what your dreams are?

I feel surrounded by people who know what they want in life and have either succesfully achieved that goal and are doing what they love, or are actively working towards that point through study, training, career stepping stones and so on. At the very least, they know, or have an idea of what they want, where they want to be. Whatever their motivation, be it love of helping people, more money, power, love of art, love of kids, flexible hours...whatever, they know what they want, and are okay with being a shit-kicker for a while to get to where they want to be, to achieve their dreams.

I am currently working 12 hours a week in a place were I get treated like a second class citizen, by both customers and management. The thought of going to work each day makes me die a little on the inside.
I am enrolled in a psychology course at uni. Third year. Semester one is almost over, and I am yet to attend a class.
I am planning to defer my course, or try to again. I have opened the websites for the classes, only to stare blankly, close the screen and curl up on the couch, a ball of misery.
I just have no motivation to study.
I don't know what I want to do. I had intended to spend last year off uni, to earn some money, get some savings. Instead, I broke up with my boyfriend and had to start paying full rent...and I had my hours cut at work. Thus, no savings.
Now, my hours have been cut again.
I wasted last year, and I am wasting this year.
I have absolutley NO idea of what I want to do in life. I thought I used to. I wanted to be a forensic psychologist. I wanted to watch people. Study people. Learn about psychopaths, about criminal minds, about anything to do with people.
Now, I am still fascinated by people, by the mind. I just don't have the motivation to study it.
Nothing appeals to me. I don't know what I see myself doing in 15 years time. When I think of my future, I just get a blank spot. Anything I do think would be fun or interesting has some epic fault. It scares me that I will be trapped into working in retail until I'm 70 years old before I retire and become homeless. I know I am smarter than that, better than that. I just don't know what to do.

How did these people I spoke of earlier get to realise their dreams?
I hate wasting my life like this. I don't even have the money to have fun while I wander along aimlessly.

I guess until I figure it out, I'll spend my days in bed snuggling up to my woman, hoping for some kind of epiphany.

Until next time.



  1. I had no idea until I was about 23. I was so frustrated with trying to work out what I wanted to do with my life that I decided to just go travelling for a while. I was working a shitty job to try and save money that left me feeling brain dead, so I took a short course in creative writing at night. I fell in love with it so hard that I never ended up going anywhere.

    I know this isn't much comfort now, but it will come to you. You're an amazing person and you're destined for a beautiful life xo

  2. Oi!
    Good God girl! You know why you're miserable right now? eh? do you!!??? I do... its coz you're smart.
    Yup. Its easy to be happy when you're dumb. I am not a wise old sage.. I am only a silly 30 year old with so much more to learn, but if there is one thing I know it's that you will NEVER know what it is you want to do with yourself... there will be no cunning plan, no "A-ha" moments and certainly no epiphanies (eeek... spell correct me!)

    HOWEVER.... Things will just happen, opportunites will arise, you will just make decisions that need to be made.

    But if you lie on that couch too long, those new experiences will pass by your window and you wont see them....ultimately I feel, it doesn't matter so much WHAT you do so much as you just keep damn well doing SOMETHING until that better thing comes along then you jump on board and sail away.

    Reading your post it sounds like you are attributing a passionate life for a passion for your career. That my friend is not so. You and atipathy are poles apart! Work pays the bills (sometimes) but passion is the way you live your life.

    Phew lecture over.
    See you tommorrow at the bout!