cupgaykes.

I forgot to mention in my last post. I had a small spell of being creative. I baked vegan cupgaykes. The idea stolen from one of the many blogs I have read in the past few months...I was bored and craving sugar. I had a bunch of food-dye lying around, so I got baking.


This is the prep. I used my regular recipe of the golden vanilla cupcakes from 'Vegan cupcakes take over the world' book, check their old blog here for info.

I made 2 batches (the recipe doesn't like to be doubled) so I just made them at the same time...so neither was waiting aside for too long. Then I distributed the mixture between 6 bowls and dyed each up.

I just layered each colour of mixture into the patty pans, not overly carefully (they were just for fun, geez), some were rainbow flag style, others were marbled, by dragging the loop of a skewer through the layers.
I used purple dye for the vanilla frosting from the same book.



This is how they look pre-nom.



And inside...they have the sag because I didn't layer very well, I got alot more mixture on the wall of the pan rather than in the middle... but who cares, they're pretty and fucking delicious. If you have never had these vegan cupcakes, you are missing out. They make 'normal' cupcakes seem so dry. They're so doughey and amazing and and and...I want to bake, it's too hot to turn on the oven though :(.

i forget which number I'm up to...

I have been so obscenely lazy of late. I believe it is the depression. Every time I open my blog to write a new post, I end up playing scrabble or bejewelled on facebook. My life at the moment involves sleeping in until late, getting up, sitting on the couch with the laptop, possibly training, depending on the day, but generally going back to bed to watch DVD's until 5am. Throw in a few showers and meals and whatnot, and that's me. Exciting as fuck. Oh, I also do all the Take 5 and That's Life puzzles too. Just to mix it up a little.

I know I should see someone about this, but fuck, shrinks are so expensive, and to get a referral you have to see a doctor six times or so. Cannot afford that either. Shit, I can barely afford to eat!

Depression is a cunt. I am a self-sabotager at the best of times. Add this black cloud and everything is so much worse. The anxiety and paranoia is worse, I'm not talking psychotic paranoia, I don't think 'they're out to get me' or anything. I just always think people are judging me and hating me and wanting me to piss off. I get jealous of people who have the things don't even want...(I always want what I can't have). I have no interest in doing anything. I become so obscenely sensitive to everything, just the slightest thing will set me off into a spiral of paranoia and overthinking.

Taking time off from skating after our trip was good and bad. Somehow I managed to strain my hip flexor, leaving me in immense pain just thinking about moving, luckily the osteo seems to have healed it up a bit, but my fitness has plummeted. I have put on about 10 kilos since January. I look at photos that don't seem that long ago, and I had a semi-flat stomach, slimmish legs. Now I have a preggers gut and thunderthighs. Fitness drills just make me dizzy and horrible. The vicious cycle; feeling shit so not putting in 100%, getting shitter for not putting in, feeling shit for getting shitter so not putting in 100%... it's hell. I see these freshies getting better and I still struggle with the reverse toe stops. So disheartening.

Not helping is the cliques in the league, the struggles with the woman, the lack of money and experience. I am really tempted to just pack up and leave to London or America or somewhere to start again.

On a happier note, this weekend is a big bout. Very exciting. I am a little nervous about one aspect of our team, but hopefully my qualms are completely unnecessary.

I hope things pick up with my woman. I do. I love her, but things need to perk up, they really do.
I hope my love of derby rekindles. I want to boot the 'meh's outta here.
I hope I get a job soon.
I hope I can pull myself out of this rut.