Some people came home from The Great Southern Slam full of excitement and motivation. They couldn't wait to get back into training and work on being the best they can be, new fitness programs, new training schedules and so on.
On the other hand, I came home questioning my love. Lacking motivation. Resenting those motivated people.
I have a few reasons for my lost heart. My constant headaches leave me dazed and feeling unstable on my wheels. Everyone knows that if you feel useless, naturally, you will be useless. I was subbed out of the second bout in the slam for my team, I know there were many subs throughout the tournament for every team, but, I felt as though I did well in the first bout, and I know there were others who were asking to be subbed instead. Not to mention the heartbreak when I was only told just as I was about to gear up...
Watching back over the footage, I look like the local retarded kid has been allowed to throw on some skates for the day in pity.
I have people who regularly compliment me on different things, but I know those people are ego-strokers, it feels meaningless to this aching heart. If my skills were so complimentable, why did I get subbed out instead of the self-confessed fluey woman? Why do I NEVER get asked to skate for other teams? Why do I never feel included in the league? Why do I always get stuck feeling like a pile of shit?
Sometimes I blame it on my league, the cliqueyness. Other times I blame it on myself and my over-working mind. Whatever the reason, I wish it would stop.
Normally I would say, fuck it, I just want to skate, but today, I say, I just don't know anymore, is it worth the emotional strain?
ScarXo
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It's funny, because I'm one of those super motivated people... but my motivation is coming from the exact same place as your resentment.
ReplyDeleteI got subbed for 3 of our 5 tournament games, and I've been bumped down to the B team for our July 17 game. I seriously know how much it sucks to be in this position, hey. But I think you can either let it crush you or you can decide that you're going to prove people wrong about you and I'm going with the latter.
Also, I'm not an ego-stroker and I think you're a fucking fine skater. I really enjoyed playing with you in Adelaide - how sweet were our walls at the back during the Vagine game? Don't ever compare yourself to other skaters; I do it and it's a total killer in this crazy mental game.
xo